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happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.