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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?