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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.