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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...