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Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.