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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...