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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
At least a stalker is there for you.