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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...