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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life