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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Being normal is boring.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.