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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.