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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.