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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.