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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.