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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.