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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!