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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.