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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.