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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.