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"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.