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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.