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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
I`ve decided!! Iām giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.