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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.