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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.