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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Which wine goes best with more wine?
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.