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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist