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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.