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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.