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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.