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Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!