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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Smelling another person should be a choice.