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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.