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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.