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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.