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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!