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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.