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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.