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They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...