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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride