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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?