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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I say the things better left unsaid.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars