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Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.