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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.