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Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"