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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.