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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.