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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.