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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.