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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
My whole life is based on a true story...