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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.