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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.