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You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."