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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...