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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.