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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.