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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.