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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.