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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.