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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.