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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.